johnsonville brats

For the sake of this blog, I'll assume you know what a Brat is. Not the running, screaming, give-me-my-bloody-toy-mommy-or-I'll-throw-a-tantrum brat, rather, a Bratwurst. German sausage bigger than a hot dog and far better. And you'll remember, Johnson, my exhibitionist neighbor who vacuums in the nude for the benefit of those with windows facing his across the courtyard.

Johnson opens the window to vacuum in the summertime. This is a new tidbit I hadn't known before. And he sings. Quite well, actually. I knew he sang before because his mouth is always moving, but seeing and hearing are quite different things, aren't they? Do you know what else I've discovered about Johnson's Brat and his vacuum? I'm fairly certain you don't. I'll tell you he enjoys fresh air and the stretch hose attachment. Either I'm not so observant as I thought, or he's escalating his affection for cleanliness.

Other shit: Finally able to shave my legs and wear skirts again. You have no idea the joy that brings me. I find myself reaching down to touch my legs, so happy to find them bare again. Which might not be such a terrible thing, I suppose, if D (remember luscious D? My wank-boss' boss?) had not happened to stop at my desk while I was in mid-stroke, a smile of bliss on my face (sunburned, freshly shaved legs itch. Feels fantastic to rub them. I shouldn't have to explain myself), and look up to see him looking straight down my open neck-collar.

He's still luscious. I'm freshly annoyed.

Note to self: "Mia, buy a plastic back scratcher to re-purpose for legs. Will allow you to remain upright and groan your bliss without Roving Eye Movements down your shirt."

Do you like to watch?

Was asked recently about daily routine. Assume specifically about writing, therefore will address. After work, home to the apartment where Oscar, my laptop, awaits. Oscar is red and obedient. I push his buttons and he leaps to obey. Normally I set up on the kitchen bar where walking around is easy and can type while standing. Handy when catching up on run to laundry or cooking dinner. Also for fast spying trips to peep hole or balcony windows.

I complain about Johnson, but he really is quite spectacular in standard vacuuming garb of "naked". Have yet to see such an appendage that compares. Could swear he has vacuumed without hands, on occasion.

On docket now is Mind F*cked. Have completed Open Sesame for anthology and contract has been recommended. Mind F*cked will be first of five through Resplendence. Now then. Should you wonder the particulars of my writing environment, you have it.

Other shit: Along with 29 others, I have been traded. Yes, very sporty of me. 30 writers were disbursed to other editors and am now under the direct revision of Meghan Conrad at Ellora's Cave. Dear Helen, I shall miss you.

Other-er shit: Ellora's Cave chat tomorrow night 8-10 Eastern time at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ellorascavechat/ Several authors, many give aways, excerpts of current and upcoming EC books. Join and lurk if you wish or participate. A virtual room filled with erotic romance writers and mainstream romance writers. Pick brains or ask questions. I fully plan to pop in from time to time.

Note to self: "Mia, station laptop in front of balcony and dim lights during chat. Lurkers may want a play by play."

Raising Johnson's Cane

April Fool's day should be a religious holiday. I rather enjoy pranks and am quite disheartened that I drew completely blank on providing my personal entertainment yesterday. In honor, shall celebrate April Fool's day today. No one will expect it. It will make the set-up five times more pleasurable.

Tonight is bar night with L and N. Have not persisted in the tradition lately and am most ready to raise Cain. Or is it Kane? Cane? Hm. Whoever the hell he is, I am fully preparing to raise him. I leave you to interpret. Anatomy, seance, wrath, partying-spirit... your mind can conjure as it will. I'll not refuse it.

Something bizarre occurred. Johnson vacuumed with boxer-briefs yesterday. Winter is ending. One would think that if ever there were a moment to vacuum with clothing, it would be in the depths of January. Perhaps Johnson was bloated, premenstrual male, or feeling fat. Have no idea what to make of his pattern change. Called L immediately to comment and had to snap photo with cell phone as proof.

L pointed out that Johnson still had his wanker bits pulled through. She figured it was a fashion statement. Either way, he succeeded in creating a mystery which in turn made me look at him all the longer to puzzle on it.

Note to self: "Mia, should reward Johnson for semi-clothed state. He has at least made an attempt. Cross courtyard and slip a congratulatory card under his door. Hallmark claims to possess a card for every occasion."

Netting Endangered Mammaries

Winners: Sage and Caffey

Excellent turn out and with valiant effort from Silver. However am fairly certain Silver has both my current releases. Must keep her in mind for future freebies.

Have given much thought to waffle bras. Would argue that waffle thongs not as desirable. Suspect it would appear rather like lady bits were netted on fishing expedition. Which of course brings to mind other not as pleasant fishy jokes.-Dakota, this means you. I believe the direct reference was fish taco?

But would it also not appear as though double mammaries (yes, I realize the plural would be mammary glands, but that's too long and I hate explaining myself. Which I am doing parenthetically anyway. And it truly sucks) had been netted? Yet to my mind the connotation is different. Entirely. Netted breasts bring to mind bondage and perhaps draw the male of the species. Would venture to say that result would not be comparable to netted bits. Males welcome to debate issue.

Yet another consideration: Would netted lady parts and mammaries leave residual marking on the body? Could hardly be romantic to see body cris-crossed with net pressure markings.

Note to self: "Mia, go commando top and bottom. Leaves cleaner lines for nude seduction. Have you learned nothing from Johnson-the naked vacuuming neighbor?"

Spinning

Running late. To my annoyance, have discovered water pressure changes in building. Will find hardware store for smaller washer to install in massage shower head. Cannot be expected to arrive chipper if matters have not been addressed. Complain viciously to maintenance.

Update: Johnson had overnight guest Sunday. She, however, did not vacuum nude. My apologies, J, for lack of visual offerings.

Note to self: "Mia, find M and discuss dryer cycle. Have not seen her in laundry for more than a week. Inform M that dryer is jealous."

Sleep in tomorrow, I shall

Should remember to begin blogging on a Monday. Would have done better than yesterday as today is Saturday. Seems a waste. Is it too early for a glass of red wine? Will remember to mix with chocolate. Chocolate makes all permissible.

Johnson no longer stalking. May have something to do with pepper spray incident. Oops.

Note to self: "Mia, watch a soap opera for life tips."

Poor Dick

On drive to work yesterday, freak made "C" gesture with hand. Have suspicion of meaning. Not sure. You? I, in response, sped around and hit brakes. Male driver not amused. I was.

See Dick swerve. See Dick yell. Leave Dick in dust. Bye, Dick, bye.

Am feeling blue this morning. Will order self two dozen roses for office delivery. Perhaps chocolates as well.

Note to self: "Mia, fill flower delivery note with many erotic suggestions for front desk to intercept and inspire gossip. Sign as Big Johnson."

Round House

Got release date for CLAIMED BY DARKNESS. Much celebrating ensued for March 4, 2009.

Received notice short story for anthology a go. Working on book: SEX ED. Additional notice of interest in short story: BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS. Holidays appear cheery.

Other news. Found Johnson creeping around building. Am thinking too much attention to vacuum nude dance may have been unwise.

Neighbor M came home late last night. Think she was drunk. M promptly took basket to laundry. Late night dryer sitting?

Note to self: "Mia, invite gay friend L over and make out on balcony with much groping. Must discourage Johnson."

S & Gs

Discovered Carol Lynne has chat loop. Joined chat loop and much fun ensued. Am bored with apartment people viewing with exception of Johnson who has taken to wearing black thong. Not a good color against pastey white buttocks.

Note to self: "Mia, send Johnson red thong to match overall pink complexion. Add bells for holiday jingle."