Texts from Bronwyn

So most of you know that one of my best friends is Bronwyn Green. She had her birthday/anniversary last Friday and she went out to dinner with her man to celebrate. Now, Bron isn't a drinker so to say that she can't hold her alcohol is probably an understatement.

Since I know she had wine with her dinner, and the man drove them home, I feel pretty confident that the hilarity of these texts won't be lost on you. Bron is great at just about everything. She's NOT great at drunk texting.

I, however, have not excuse. It was late? I was tired? Pick one.

What does it all mean?

I dream. A lot. I also almost always remember them. When I woke up this morning, I had two of them fresh on my mind.

Dream 1: Featured the entire female cast of Ally McBeal. The men were there too, but standing on the sidelines. Quite literally. I dreamed that Brynn Paulin, Bronwyn Green, and I went to water aerobics class as usual. This time the cast of Ally McBeal was there, and we weren't at all surprised. However, being somewhat new, I hadn't had this particular class before. The pool was really shallow in the shallow end, like one foot deep, and really deep in the deep end, with a steep declining drop. It was also narrow. If two people stretched out with their feet together, their heads would be over the edge of the pool.

Brynn and Bron got excited. Bronwyn was clapping her hands and did a little excited hop. Brynn, much more sedate, eagerly prepared her water weights and floatation belt. She'd told me that we were only in the shallow end today, so I eyed her oddly for taking out a floatation belt with barely a foot of water to work out in. I couldn't see how this was going to go. All I knew was that my best friends were thrilled.

I asked why and Bron's eyes widened with joy. She leaned near and whispered, "We get to do water sit-ups today".

Now, I can't imagine sit-ups being worthy of such enthusiasm, especially in splashy, shallow water, but Brynn nodded her head and said, "You'll see. Just make sure you hurry up and stay in the shallow end. Deep water sit-ups are way more complicated."

O_o!

The instructor told everyone to get in the pool. The female cast of Ally McBeal got right in, and I watched Brynn and Bron assume the sit-up positions. Which meant alternating legs, so that they anchored each other at the ankle.

As the last one to fit in, Portia DeRossi hurried across from me. I discovered that the pool was even more narrow than I thought, and we had to really bend our knees to fit. Of course, it didn't help that Portia was hogging the pool. Perfect Portia plastered a smile on her face and began doing her sit-ups as the instructor called out.

I immediately discovered something very important about Portia DeRossi. She has nasty jaggedly long toe nails. And because she was hogging the pool and not really paying attention, she kept jabbing her jaggedly gross toenail between my cheeks!

I tried to ignore it because I didn't want to be rude (yeah, I know, but this is a dream people). However, the toenail was digging in and encroaching on some delicate anatomy. I feared I would soon be given a colonectomy by toenail. I told her to back off. She insisted she wasn't doing that with her toe. I told her she was and ow. Meanwhile, Brynn and Bron are gleefully doing sit-ups. And by gleefully, I do mean they were singing numbers from the sitcom Glee (which I don't watch), and slapping their hands together in pattycakes when they came together in the middle.

In my dream, I chalked it up to them being such long time best friends and because the instructor was keeping time for them.

Dream 2:
Immediately following that dream, I went to the locker room, showered and dressed, but I'd forgotten my bra. I hate bralessness, but as I left the locker room, I discovered that there were only a tiny band of survivors left in the world and I was one of them. The women, of which there were now only three: me, Brynn, and my mother, had apparently decided to destroy all the bras in the world because there were none to be found. (and this is where I say, none of us remaining women are small chested. Imagine, if you will, the three of us running to action, poised for battle as our chests continue to sway. It totally messes up the tough bitch imagery I had going.)

In this dream, The Rock lead the male resistance league. My mother, my father, and I barely escaped the towering, giant metal spiders that were destroying all the buildings. Furthermore, they seemed to have a GPS type thing for human flesh. It didn't matter where you went, they knew about it!

Suddenly, we became aware that Brynn's boyscout troop was trying to get their Rock Badge and they didn't know about the giant spiders! OH NOES! So, mom, dad, and I told The Rock we'd be back to help, just as soon as we saved the boys.

The Rock wanted to know where they were, and I urgently informed him that Brynn and taken them up to the mountains because the boys had to throw all the loose rocks off the top as part of their badge requirements.

The Rock nodded solemnly, told me to hurry because the spiders were headed toward the mountains now!! I had to stay overnight in a melting igloo, but the next day, I raced up the mountain (boobs a-swinging) to find Brynn. At first they didn't believe me, but I reminded Brynn that she'd been helping me fight the giant spiders and she was like, "Oh yeah." And I was like, "How the f*ck can you forget giant metal human seeking spiders." And she was like, "I had to go on this camp out for the Boy Scouts, Mia. It's not like they'll find us here." And I was like, "But they totally will. They're on their way now!" And she said, "We have to eat our Mac and Cheese first. Then, if you still feel like we need to stop throwing rocks off this mountain *deep sigh* then we'll just have to finish this badge up later."

The scouts refused to be saved, opting to finish out their rock throwing. I jogged away (to the serenading laughter of young boys) bemoaning the death of bras.

So what do you think??? *blink* *blink*

FAKING PERFECTION released today!!!

Congratulations to Janean, who won a free copy of Faking Perfection (DreamSpinner Press) from the drawing in Stumbling Over Chaos!

There's still time to enter a chance to win Wrong Number, Right Guy (Amber Allure)! Go to Stumbling Over Chaos and leave a comment that you want to enter. Wrong Number Right Guy releases this coming Sunday, the 27th.

Click the above picture to link over to the buy page for your copy of Faking Perfection. If you'd prefer to purchase from All Romance Ebooks, it's already listed there as well. Hope you love it!

Congratulations, too, to Bronwyn Green, whose book Overlord's Chosen is out today from Resplendence Publishing!

TWEETING

Hey fellow writers and followers of fellow writers! Log into Twitter today and join me, Brynn Paulin, Jennifer Armintrout, and Bronwyn Green on a writing challenge. I believe Jessica Jarman will also be joining in.

Authors, Brynn will post the start time. You write for a solid 45 minutes, take a 15 minute break, then keep writing. The cycle continues as long as you can hold out. The idea is to write as many words as you can on your manuscript. We'll all be here doing the same thing, cheering you on.

READERS! Follow us. Eavesdrop on the ribbing. I guarantee there will be laughs. We have quite a few cut-ups among us, and we are always up for teasing. Wanna see how we egg each other on? I'd love to see you there!

On Twitter, my user name is MiaWatts (all stuck together like that). If you follow me, you'll see who I'm posting to and can follow the other members of the write-off tomorrow, too.

We'll probably be starting sometime around 9 or 10 am EST tomorrow. Hang around as long as you want, leave when you need to.

Can't wait. I'm even pre-posting this because I plan on being too busy to leave a fresh blog post.

Rant Reversal

Last week I did a dating rant. My blog shoots out to Facebook and one of the Facebook commenters nailed me with a statement about that being why men hate women. I of course responded and then she clarified that women who complain about what men do wrong without telling them what they do, or could do, correctly, are the reason that men hate women.

To be fair, I completely understand her point. Thank you, Jen Sexton, for the constructive criticism. I still profess that my rant was more about looking ridiculous than slamming the male of our species. I'm sure there are plenty of female daters out there that are just as needy and pathetic looking. I'm guessing, however, that not one of them is holding aloft a large mouth bass as she squints, unwashed, into the blistering sunshine. Or kissing her "guns". Or posting a picture of her naked torso. But perhaps she is puckering and winking which is just as bad, or holding up her breasts in offering.... okay, I'm getting sidetracked again. Hey, shit happens.

This post is on BEHALF of men everywhere. I'm thinking this is a two-parter because I have this phrase I love, cross-stitched by my bestie, Bronwyn Green, "Ignorance does not provide immunity", which must follow the bellow posting.

Men. I love men. They are delicious and strong. Scrawny and dorky. Handsome and clever (especially the guy I'm going out with tomorrow--remember the CL poster of wonder? Yeah, him).

Men are being sold short. Open any magazine, turn on any tv station and you see ad after ad of moronic men. In an ad for a paper towel, a dad and his kids make a huge mess in the kitchen. He holds his hands up with a blank worried look, "What do I do?" motion. A car drives up--seen through the window--and mom walks in the kitchen from a long day at work. She looks at the mess and the husband, smiles fondly at them, "Kids, gotta love 'em" (as though the husband is lumped in with the kids) and then cleans up the man's mess with the fabu-paper towels.

Any sitcom where the man sits around either unemployed, out of work, or just that damn lazy while his wife juggles work, life, kids, family, dinner, housecleaning, and all the chores that the lazy ass didn't do but possibly started.

Any moment of gift-giving where he produces a beautiful diamond studded something-or-other where the woman falls all over herself with love. The message... despite the ass I always am (because, honey, I know I'm exactly like all those TV dudes since this ad sits between them and the shows where men are unproductive family potatoes), I can throw money at you and make it all better. Aren't I special, sweetie? Here's a diamond ring, too.

Men are not stupid. Men aren't all lazy (though I base this purely on the trusted word of friends). Men don't all add to the chaos of a woman's life. They aren't. I guess that's why when I'm looking to date one, it annoys the snot out of me when they play to the stereo-type. That's not the man I want. Mine... well, they show up in my books. Unfortunately mine are also gay.

Sigh.

Anyway, that's my anti-rant, such as it is.

I blame Bronwyn

OMG! I said it. I totally blame Bronwyn Green. Her weird shit magnet is in overdrive and it's rubbing off on me. After the bizarro conversation with the FaceBook dude, I thought my quotient had been met.

But Noooooooo....oooooo!!!

I have since had another THREE moments of WTFery since I began posting. More than likely, you will see comic on all of them, because FWUH?!?!?!

And Bron was so sympathetic too. I think I've figured it out.
I think Bronwyn + Piercings = WTF?!

This shit didn't happen before the piercing of my flesh ala Bronwyn a few weeks ago. I'm just sayin'.

Last night I was at a business thing until late. I was super hungry and remembered a place that would still be open. It was and it was hopping. I had one choice of table, a booth. Beside me, sitting diagonally in front of me to the left, is this chill Rastafarian dude. He's lounging, he's bobbing his head with every word he says.

My first clue that something was up should have been the fact that he was sitting with Fenton and Shiela CountryClub. For real. They were the poster perfect examples of Golf, sailing, and mojitos on the lawn. Instead, I sat down, my ass barely touching Naugahyde when the WTFery began.

I blame Bronwyn.










So I get home and call Bronwyn today to tell her what had happened. It went a little something like this....
I'm not amused.

Things I saw today that totally made me laugh...

...because who doesn't need a good laugh now and then?

If you're male and you like Twilight, you're gay. I don't mean that in the derogatory sense, I mean it in the "you want to put your testicles against another man's testicles while gripping handfuls of chesthair" kind of way.
- The Oatmeal (you must immediately go read this blog that Chris at Stumblingoverchaos turned me on to.)

Awkward Situation Survival Guide
- Hyperbole and a Half (okay, ANYTHING on this site. Start with the sidebar of favorites. Chris is responsible for this too)

Riding in Cars with Boys. Any of them.
- Bronwyn Green Blog (Seriously, this makes me laugh every time)

Go forth and enjoy your weekend.
Love,
Mia

RELEASE DAY!

OPEN SESAME IS ON SALE NOW AT RESPLENDENCE PUBLISHING!!!

Yep, it's here again. Another release day. This time I get to share it with Bronwyn Green, Brynn Paulin, and Dakota Rebel as we all take part in the series of stories for the Not Quite Wicked anthology. Ever wonder if the villains of your favorite bedtime story were misjudged? We did. I think you'll like our take on old favorites. Grab a fan and a vibrator. It's time to heat things up!

Blurb:

Alister Baban overheard a business discussion which netted him and his Uncle Cassimer a lot of money. When the Simsim Group stock crashes and declares bankruptcy within weeks, the owners immediately suspect the Babans of playing dirty.

Oz Adamo, one of four brothers who owned Simsim Group, agrees to abduct Alister to obtain information and win back the lost pensions of former employees.

Tied to a bed and lusting after his captor, Alister fights the sexual attraction he has for Oz. They want information and he isn’t about to give it. But Oz loves a good challenge and shrewd, serious, sexy Alister is naked and his—at least for now.

So, I got tagged by Cindy Spencer Pape and now you have to learn stuff about me.

1. What’s the last thing you wrote? What’s the first thing you wrote that you still have? Last thing: The last thing I wrote was, "Title Eureka!!! Fuck U!!" I couldn't come up with a title for the four guy and one girl menage coming out in February. I had to complete a cover request form with that info on it. So, that is literally the last thing I wrote before I hit send on that email (yep, that's it, in its entirety) to my senior editor. *heh* First thing I still have: A song I woke up singing when I was in seventh grade. I got about half of it down before it went into thin air. Too bad. It was catchy.

2. Write poetry?
No. Well, I did write one at the end of Bad Boys, Bad Boys (Total-E-Bound.com).

3. Angsty poetry?
No. I generally stick to death threats.

4. Favorite genre of writing?
Erotic anything.

5. Most annoying character you’ve ever created?
The slimeball TA from Sex Ed (ResplendencePublishing.com)

6. Best plot you’ve ever created?
Claimed by Darkness because it links from book to book in an expanded plot with many, many subplots and of course the sex.

7. Coolest plot twist you’ve ever created?
I dunno. I like plot twists. You tell me which one was best.

8. How often do you get writer’s block?
True writer's block? Not sure it exists.

9. Write fan fiction?
No. Makes me feel blasphemous.

10. Do you type or write by hand?
Type.

11. Do you save everything you write?
On hard drives.

12. Do you ever go back to an idea after you’ve abandoned it?
No.

13. What’s your favorite thing you’ve ever written?
"Title Eureka!!!! Fuck U!!"

14. What’s everyone else’s favorite story that you’ve written?
Well, She's Got Balls and Mind F*cked (Resplendence) were both best sellers, but Bad Boys, Bad Boys has been continuously sold for longer with the most references.

15. Ever written romance or angsty teen drama?
I'm going to pretend you didn't ask that.

16. What’s your favorite setting for your characters?
Minneapolis. My hometown.

17. How many writing projects are you working on right now?
Two. I'm working on the as yet untitled project I refer to as Liam and Fuck U.

18. Have you ever won an award for your writing?
Yep.

19. What are your five favorite words?
God, you are fucking genius.

20. What character have you created that is most like yourself?
Flora Harper (Faery Surprising, Resplendence).

21. Where do you get ideas for your characters?
There's no rhyme or reason.

22. Do you ever write based on your dreams?
Yes. I have a menage coming out that's based on one... His Best Friend's Wife. Or rather, my alternate identity will.

23. Do you favor happy endings?
Hell, yeah.

24. Are you concerned with spelling and grammar as you write?
Completely. There's a little voice who yells at me until I fix it the way I think it should be fixed.

25. Does music help you write?
No.

26. Quote something you’ve written. Whatever pops into your head.
(from Bound by Darkness, out in June at RP... second book to Claimed by Darkness)

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she lifted her face to the night sky. Her muscles trembled. Her joints ached. She felt hollowed out with the smallest remnants of herself remaining. Each heartbeat thudded emptily. Lungs filled like mechanical bags. None of it meant anything without him. Lovatt was her blood, her nutrients, and her soul.

Find Lothar. Seek sanctuary.

And who am I tagging?
Amber Skyze
Kenzie Micheals
Bronwyn Green

no pattern nor fabric can contain him...

Posting this from the Evo blog
(Weekly Wednesday contributor column)

I'm not certain I've had the need to "design" a hero. Most times the hero I see in my mind's eye arrives prior to a plot. He flashes into thought at the end of a work, preparing me for the next story before lingering in the wings to taunt me. He wants existence, substance, and form. He broods with sexy, dark looks from the shadows while I work. Then as I wrap up the former plot, steps into the light with a wicked smile and knowing eyes.

It may not come in so dramatic a way as the above, although that's been known to occur, yet it is the same principle of dominance I see each and every time a new story is in its birthing stages. It's a still and quiet presence or an image, the inkling of a scene or a feeling which holds in the air and for a moment, I am dragged to that suspended wisp from my work in progress to consider it. It's enough to catch my attention, however momentarily, before I go back to the work at hand.

That introduction is necessary, too. If not for the early awareness of him, my subconscious would not begin to fester with the germs of a plot specifically tailored to that hero. But whether it be days or weeks, the plot does come forth. It carries the sense of certainty that it is his plot. To ignore it would be unwise and unbelievable in its development.

Generally I hang on as the rest unfolds. I type what is seen in my mind and because I met him earlier, because I had that chance to get a feel for his personality without his saying a word, because I know him, I know what he would and would not do. I believe this to be the key. In developing a character, you must first know them. Otherwise you are discovering them as the reader does and subject to inconsistencies in behavior and plot.How do I design a hero? I don't.

He designs himself and I simply listen.

Video of note: Want to laugh? Rassles, I specifically think you will enjoy this. Click this link and scroll to the video box on Bronwyn Green's blog. Bonnie Tyler like you've never seen her. Beverage warning.

As acid on the skin

It burns! It burns!

I went swimming at a friend's pool. Cloud cover and rain would have suggested this a bad idea, except I was determined to enjoy myself. Swimming in the rain is a pleasure, by the way, unless you get electrocuted. Then I can't imagine it would be. But during the spots of only moderate cloud cover, I acquired more than my share of sun on my legs. Now there is pain.

Other shit: She's Got Balls is winding down. I expect to finish it today, fix it up and format the thing and turn it in to my editor. Then it's on to the next project. It's as yet untitled. I would imagine the appropriate words will come to me when I need them. Let's hope, shall we?

Other-er shit: I'm re-reading a book by Bronwyn Green in my free time. She has a unique ability to capture emotion and distill it into a near-tangible mist, substantiating it for the reader in new ways. Kudos Ms. Green.

Note to self: "Mia, find the aloe, apply liberally. Under no circumstances are you to wear hosiery or slacks to work today."

I HAVE A LOVE AFFAIR WITH BLOCK QUOTES EVEN THOUGH I TRULY HATE THE SPACING ISSUES

I've begun Mind F*cked. Only six hundred words in and my internal editor has begun yapping. Meanwhile, I received an email from one of my publishers that edits will arrive in my inbox within minutes. Which is where I suddenly remember that, oh yes, I have a release out next Tuesday.

Technically, Sex Ed is part of the Hot for Teacher anthology along with stories by Bronwyn Green, Brynn Paulin, and Cara Hart, though they'll be sold separately. All release on the 19th and all get bound together for print publication in ninety days with a completely different cover. My recommendation, if you care to hear it, is to purchase the individual story you wish to read thus keeping your expense low. Preferably mine if you must choose. Ideally, all as they are well written jewels of creative effort.

The blurb looks something like this:

Mina Lasky has a pesky crush on Biology professor, Derek Link. They’ve worked in tandem in the same University facility long enough that even the sound of his voice makes her hot. It’s time to put the fantasy to an end. Mina signs up to be his guinea pig in a female sexuality lab for those on the doctorate track. She hopes to work Derek out of her system while enjoying some much needed sexual stimulation.

Dr. Derek Link has been itching to get his hands on the quiet, sexy Chemistry professor. He can’t believe his luck when she signs up to be his lab. But one night isn’t enough and Mina won’t admit they can have something a lot more long term.

And when one of the students recognizes Mina, her heart isn’t the only thing on the line. With her career in the hands of a blackmailer, and her heart begging to trust Derek, she’s beginning to think the lab was a very bad idea.

Other shit: I ran into D today. Well, not actually. It was more like I found myself sipping from a fountain (as I do when thirsty), swung around to return to my cube, saw D checking out my assets, and choked. Except choke would suggest the water in my mouth went down my throat with definitely did not occur. But I did discover two things: A pale silk necktie looks nearly cobalt when wet. And a second dimple comes out of hiding when D laughs. Which he did. A lot.

Note to self: "Mia, invest in water bottle."

I hereby declare that Love Bites is a goddess of brilliance. Do you see that
sexy spacing up there? Yeah, she did that. No more block quote issues.

Aural Sex

Popcorn eater has been suspiciously absent. Interesting that lack of kernels corresponded to termination of several jobs due to lay-off. None were suspects.

Saw manager D outside office weight room before work. Rather, I stood outside weight room, looking through glass at delicious D jogging on treadmill. Fine legs. Fine, fine legs. A woman could lick legs like those, and enjoy it.

Other shit: Am joining in an anthology with three other authors: Bronwyn Green, Brynn Paulin, Dakota Rebel. As result, we recorded a podcast on Aural Sex. Have a listen.

More Other shit: Have new cover art. Lovely, no? Sex Ed will release from Resplendence Publishing on May 19th.

Note to self: "Mia, contact payroll immediately to begin $10 weight room deduction cost, then to MOA for new work-out clothes."

I've Released

Today is release day for my m/m short, Bad Boys, Bad Boys. Winner of contest based on third party judging of comments in weekend comment boxes and personal emails (we have some shy ones in the reading audience) is Bronwyn Green. Congratulations.

Bad Boys is on sale now at Total-E-Bound. Click cover on the right margin (because blogger fucked up my posted link) to be routed to buy link. Thanx!