Proof that Bronwyn Green is contagious... Part Two

Immediately following the blood draw moment yesterday, I got in my car and decided to drive the perimeter of the mall. I hadn't been to this mall and there are some obscure shops around it. Apparently, more than the shops are obscure.

I saw a Country Store front and thought, Hm, this could be interesting. What does a Country Store sell?

Answer: Nuts.

of allllllll kinds. o_O

I enter the Country Store and customers are buying nuts. The clerk is packing nuts (yes, those kind too, he's male) for shipping and the register is clinking along. I think, Oh, I'll look around this nut store a little more and leave before I'm noticed. I have no interest in nuts and figure that I'm being polite to look.

But alas, the other customers leave too soon! I'm left alone with the nut clerk!

Nut Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: Nope. Just looking. Didn't know what a Country Store sells. Apparently, it's nuts.

Nut Clerk: All kinds.

Me: I see that.

Nut Clerk: I'm too busy to shop. I never have enough time. Seems like I need about ten lives to get done all the things I want to get done. I never have enough money either.

Me whipping out a card, because my side biz is money making oriented: You should check out my website sometime (not Mia, a different site). I work like 70hrs a week and this still gives me a couple hundred a month without even trying. (Yes, this is my schpiel. Shut up.)

He takes my card. As he's reading it, with my email address, website, and phone number, he says...

Nut Clerk: Yeah, I will, because in my free time, I have to go out for four hours every night to look for aliens.

Me: Huh? (my brain is screaming to get back the card)

Nut Clerk: People don't think they're out there, but they are. It's scientific. Like one time when I was twelve I saw one over by the nuclear power plant but I didn't know it was a nuclear power plant until later. How could I? I was twelve. And the two other times I saw them by military airbases!

Me, giving oogly eyes and thinking the power plant zapped him: Uh huh.

Nut Clerk: I've been told that they're just airplanes. They aren't. Think about it. A nuclear power plant and military air bases? That's like... like... finding our human weaknesses so we can be attacked.

Me: Well, makes sense if you're planning on taking over the world. You'd want to know what you are up against. (I know it's mean to tease the little weirdo but I can't help myself)

Nut Clerk: Exactly! It's just like Russia.

Me: It is?

Nut Clerk: They are a major power. The government wants us to think they're weak, but they aren't. They control all the natural gas in, like, eastern Europe. And the Euro was their idea. If they turned off the power, NO ONE would survive in Europe, you see?

Me: Yeah, that would kinda suck.

Nut Clerk: But those Brits were in on it too.

Me: Pardon?

Nut Clerk: The Euro thing. I hate the Brits. They want all the power to the British colonies.

Me: You mean, us? We're United States now.

Nut Clerk: No, like the Brits Brits. I have notes on these things... the way they manipulate history and governments. I think they're in on it with the aliens. I'm sorry if you're Brit or something.

Me: I'm not.

Nut Clerk: Good because I hate the Brits. When Hitler was around I didn't like him for the whole kill-the-Jews thing, but I thought, Man go invade the British Colonies and kill the Brits. They're just too powerful, ya know?

Me: You're scaring me now. Besides, England is not a colony.

Nut Clerk: I'm telling you, they're in on it with the aliens.

Me, egging him on: I'm more worried about ghosts.

Nut Clerk: Those are just aliens most of the time. Only sometimes ghosts are ghosts.

Me, reeeeeally wishing another customer would come in and I could snatch back my business card: Have you seen many?

Nut Clerk: No. The American Indian Shaman say that no one man can house all the senses of sensing those ghosts. You can hear or smell them, or you can see them but not both.

Me: Which one are you?

Nut Clerk: I saw their stuff once.

Me trying not to laugh. What kind of stuff does a ghost have?

Nut Clerk: Like one time I went to a friends house and one minute the fan was like moving and the next, it WASN'T! Creepy, ya know?

Me: I'll just buy these.

I put two nut clusters on the counter. I'm dying to get out of there and call Bron.

Nut Clerk: People have powers. But there are so many things in our culture that block our powers. Like I don't even own a TV or a Nintendo. They block your powers and we don't even use the powers we're actually born with.

Me: It's ADD. We're conditioned to be distracted.

Nut Clerk: Right. A British conspiracy. Listen, do you have Facebook? I like to follow people who keep track of things like this. I keep journals.

Me... wondering what he means by follow and eyeing my business card again. "I don't really go on Facebook".

I made some quick goodbyes, called Bron to listen to her howl with laughter and beg me to blog about this. Then she asked a very good question... If TV and Nintendo block his powers, how is it that he can use Facebook??

Hm.

Verbal Sars, I'm telling you. Is it always like this for you Bron?

Proof that Bronwyn Green is contagious... Part One

One of my best friends has a "weird magnet". If there is an oddball with a confession burning behind his lips, he will find her and spew unsolicited verbal diarrhea in her ear. I can recall the guy in the tire shop, the John Denver guy, the dude at the check out counter, any number of people she's been trapped in waiting lines with. I don't know how, they just find her.

Well, it is my belief that she has an invisible beacon that just SCREAMS at the mentally skewed to come talk and because of today, I also now believe that she is dangerously contagious.

Like TMI Sars.

This morning I had to get a blood draw as part of that annual trek we call health care. As I enter the diagnostic center there's a woman chattering and laughing to herself about cell phones. Mind you, this was my first encounter today, so I did not engage.

Lady: How does it work? (Getting louder she starts laughing and talking at the same time) How does it work. It's so different from other phones. It's not like a real phone. Do I push something? My cell phone is nothing like this.

Me thinking: She pulled it out of her purse. Whose goddamn phone is it if it's not hers?

I needn't have wondered long.

Lady: This is my son's phone *laughing*. I tried that Jitterbug thing and that's a load of crap. They wanted three hundred dollars!! Well, I told them they could keep their fucking phone.

Me: choking. Grandmas aren't supposed to fucking cuss.

I studiously stare out the window praying I don't move and gain her attention. We're alone in the room after all. She's freaking me out.

Lady: I tried that Verizon place and I can't use their phone. Can you hear me now? (she's parroting the ad) Can you hear me now? Who do you use?

Me, looking out the corner of my eyes at the room. Is she talking to me? Nope and the room is still empty.

Lady: Metro? You like them?

Me thinking: Is she on a blue ray? I actually look. No. She's talking to the plant in the corner. Oka-ay.

Lady flips open the phone and dials. Some dude answers. I know because I can hear him asking if there's a diagnosis. Since we're in a blood draw place and not a doctor's office, I figure he's of the same mental ilk as his mamma.

Lady says good-bye then stares at the phone. How do I shut it off? *laughing laughing laughing* How does it stop the call? Is there a button? I'll just shut it. *laughing laughing* It's so different from my phone. I'll just shut it.

Still laughing she drops the phone back into her purse. My name is called and I run for technician waiting to stick sharp objects in my arm. Anything's better than this.

But my day wasn't over. Oh no. I left there to go to another place... Part 2, tomorrow.