Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A word to the single men out there...

Yes, I'm dating. No, that doesn't mean I'm desperate.

I'm not instantly turned on because you shot a picture of yourself flexing. I see that you have "guns" and oh, my (eye roll) aren't you impressive. I also see your back zits which are flexing and let me tell you...not so appealing.

Just because you pose with a phone at your ear, I'm not going to assume someone snapped your picture in mid-business call when you happened to be flashing your pearly whites. It's cheesy. Super cheesy, because now I'm going to think that you WANT me to believe you do business looking mighty fine on a phone. That you always have that phone plastered to your ear, too, which is also an instant turn off.

If your best picture is one of you looking drunk or with your eyes half-closed, you have issues. Don't post it. It only makes me think that a normal shot of you is scary and a half.

Did you pose with other women? Then my thought is, you don't need to be dating me. You have women in your life. Beautiful women or attentive women. I will not add to your harem. Thank you for asking, though.

If you can't spell, I'm not interested. While I understand the occasional error, as I have them myself, I don't want to read txt and I prefer sentences to make sense. If you are incapable of doing that, it tells me you didn't value/pay attention/care about your education. You lost me at, "R U..." Buh bye.

If you're standing by a Dixie flag, I realize it may mean you are just pro-South. However, the general connotation is that you are pro-white. I'm gonna take a pass on that. Small minds make for limited relationships.

When you email me, maybe start with, "Hi, my name is Bob. I see you like hiking..." instead of, "My cock is 10 inches. How deep will u take me if we meet tonight." Because, Bob, you are not my dreamboat sex boy, I'm not a whore (who would at least get paid to take your cock), and frankly I have not been waiting my whole life to swallow you whole.

Are you looking earnestly into the camera? Or is that loose bowel syndrome you are staving off?

Is your picture two decades too old? Maybe pick up a camera, or hell, a cell phone, and update it. Otherwise, my thought on it is, this is the best picture you've ever taken and since then all camera attempts have broken the lens irreparably. Furthermore, your mommy took it right before the prom, and you continue to live in your glory days...which stopped being glorious TWO DECADES AGO!

Are you wearing your military outfit? Yes, that does catch my eye, however, there are a TON of you out there all cashing in on the "sexy men in uniform" theme and it's getting a little old--you horndog.

When every single one of your profile pictures either has you wearing a baseball cap or sunglasses, I begin to wonder if you're insecure. I also have instant mental images of you curled up in bed at night hugging your "kee kee" hat/glasses because they are part of your identity.

If you are a hard rockin' dude. Hey, that's fantastic. Please stop shoving your bull-horns/loosely held "I Love You" (in sign language) hands in the lens. It's annoying and no, not at all cute. You just never grew up, didja sweetie. Aw, bless your heart.

Are you holding a fish? Really? I have no words for this. Are you showing me what a great provider you are, or advance informing me that if we date you'll have no time for me so get used to it, because only a huge bass will make you smile? Either way? Yeah, I'm passing.

Did you take your picture puckered and brow knit? Why? You have five pictures up there and you do the same thing in every one. Are you this angry for a reason or is this your natural "everyday" expression? If we're making love, will this be what I see two inches from my face? Again, I'll pass.

And, OMG, I think this last guy's entry, totally sums it up...

Umm uhh.. ok..my name is Babe . Im 35 years old...and ahh. Well. Wha, what kind of stuff should i talk about? I dont ahh I've never really done this before..
My Job?
Umm.. im not really at liberty to give all the details, but ahh..lets just say that people pay me good money to move thier merchandise around. If you've got tha benjamins, i'll deliver..no questions asked. People call me tha milk man!..
Im ahh... im a milk man..i ahh deliver milk. Part time.
Past Relationships?
Umm I dont wanna brag but ahh.. Lets just say that i've had sex with over 50 women, and lets just say that some of those werent prostitutes.... Allright they were all prostitutes, but ahh. Im pretty sure one of them had a thing for me..
pretty sure...
My Hobbies?
Ahh, I like ahh you know sports like ahh hockey. (He shoots he scores)eh heh. Ahh I like baseball umm lacross. Well I dont play it. I watch it on T.V... Umm and i also like alot of ahh dangerous,dangerous things. Like ah jumping off of ah mountains and ah flying planes and... i..i have stocks, the stock market i do alot of ahh Wall Street and uhh i buy..i buy cars alot, i buy expensive cars VROOM! eh heh.
Thats what i ahh..im sorry. I ahh,
I do alot of household choirs. You know im..im not really paying any ahh rent right now so i uhh like to help out my mom alot you know shes ahh shes gettin old. Gardening, uhh mowing the lawn and garbage, easy stuff..easy stuff.
What kind of music do I like?
You know anything with uhh.. that that moves.. with a beat you know I like beat(s) they ahh with you know with a bit of base.. it makes you.. you know..I like Hootie.. and the Blowfish only one song..I dont like the band tho. I dont like the ..yeh i like the band their GOOD, but umm recently i've been listening to ALOT and i mean ALOT of James Blunt..He ahh he can write a song.. Whoa. "Your Beautifulllll...Your Beautifullll"...
Ahh Eminems. I like Eminems. That band actually was discovered by ahh Dr. Dre uhh the rapper and oww i know that because where i grew up was pretty.. it was pretty umm.. middle class. So we had alot of ahh.. late 80's pop. Ahh Like Wham,Heart. I like them, I like Heart. Umm ah Umm Coldplay. I like what they do... Ive never really heard what.. any of their songs, but friends of mine, they ahh their big fans so i ..if i.. i mean not really friends.. i mean i dont....noones told me about them....i read about them ,I dont know anything about them. I heard their name on the street.
How do I spend my time?
For example what did I do last night?
Last night I uhh..I went out on a.. on a date. With ahh a girl. She uhh had ahh big uhh..tits.. and uhh we ah went to a real expensive restaurant and uhh I ahh paid for it. Then we went back to her place and had alot of ah... sex. Eh Heh. What i DiD.
Allright I uhh.. I stayed in and masterbaited to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reruns.

4 comments:

D.L. said...

Lol such a good take on it- I only spent one month on a dating site before I started to go crazy from all the bad grammar.

Amber Skyze said...

It's blogs like this that make me scared to death about ever having to re-enter the dating scene.

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