Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Crazy shit that happens when I'm with Bron

I’ve been out of town, visiting my best bud Bronwyn Green. She’s a riot. If you haven’t met her yet, she is an awesome quirky combo of hardcore and crunchy granola. Imagine a paisley covered flower child in peasant-wear with metal accents in both ears, floating in a cloud of incense and sparkly blue eyes. Then factor in a bright, sunny laugh and frequent hugs and you MIGHT have an idea about the shiny-ness that is Bronwyn.

So coming off some personal drama, I knew I needed some Bronwyn to make it all better. What I didn’t know was that it would include some of her trademark weird magnet shit. Okay, this wasn’t so much weird as it was FREAKIN’ AWESOME.

I had come to Michigan knowing I’d get an ear piercing. I wasn’t sure how that would go because I’m allergic to just about every metal and the double piercings I had as a teen had grown over once I developed an allergy to gold, too. But stainless steel!!! Stainless steel is the metal of the gods, I’m told, and I had to give it a try.

There is some truth to the fact that no longer being accountable to another entity of synodical proportions, I decided a little rebellion was in order. Bronwyn, being Bronwyn, eagerly agreed to tote me downtown for some piercing fun and introduced me to Rudis (30 year old hottie with a talent for shoving metal into people’s bodies. Rudis, baby, how about a date?).

What I didn’t anticipate was leaving with not one but FIVE new piercings and an aching gut from all the ensuing hilarity of that shop. Bron and I were just dying. She had tears streaming down her cheeks as she held still for HER new piercing and I listened to the prankery of Rudis’ coworkers in the next room. And because I like to share, and because Bron asked me to, I’m going to post the episode here for your enjoyment.

To set up, Bentley and Cody and Dave and Rudis are our players. Most of the insanity came from Bentley and Cody, but Dave began the whole thing with a dare and Rudis offered up his phone (ala Upper Michigan area code—pronounced “You-per"--which is the same as many creditor calling area codes). It is of the fun habit for Dave and Cody to occasionally prank call someone who has recently come into the shop for work.

Today’s offering? A 19 year old kid, they tell me he looked 12, who’d had a recent tattoo done by Rudis. The reason they chose him and not some other sap is because somehow, someway, this kid had drunk dialed Dave at three in the morning multiple times with nothing more than, “Hello? Hello? Who’s this?” for what I’m told was ten minutes, before doing it again.

Dave wanted payback. And why not? Exactly!

Bentley has barely reached his twenties. Though clearly from east Michigan in his prep-style, perfectly pulled together clean and polished way, he is also immaculately dressed in 80s black leather with metal detailing and slicked back blond hair. He also sports a stylin' chain and lock around his neck in that "picture me as your sub" suggestion. He is pretty. He is extremely metro-sexual-wants-to-be-bad-boy and it’s kind of cute in that, oh-look-at-his-tiny-turned-up-nose-what-a-big-bad-boy-you-are-oh-yes-you-are-oh-yes-you-are, kind of way. Oh, and Bron adds, also with much ill-conceived ink.

Cody resembles a teddy bear with floppy brown bangs and facial hair. I think it’s meant to offset the slight paunch which makes him look more cuddly than scary. While he started the evening with an impressive silent scowl, he was not able to maintain it for long. Cody, you’re a doll. Less grizzly more snuggly.

Dave is my idea of hot as hell. I don’t care that he’s a tad on the short side or the slightly rounded side. I like his look. He’s all oversized hoodie and sideways baseball cap. He too had some scruff and once again I suspect it’s to make him look tougher and older than he actually is. His ear holes had been gaged open and each sported two or three rings. He had other piercings in his ear, as well as one in his eyebrow. Then along the outside curve of his right eye, traveling from edge of brow to corner of eye, he has facial implants. They are modest and level with his skin, flat and shiny like tiny disks. But alas, the poor lad had run into a wall, wiped his face with a sleeve and caught them on the fabric, and his pet Pitbull, named “Kitty”, had clawed playfully at the new additions. Poor Dave was sore. And red. And slightly inflamed. And despite all the metal that would otherwise have me saying “Whuh?” I thought he was foiyne (le sigh).

So then we have Rudis who is long and lean. What I remember most about him was that though he was only wearing a t-shirt and jeans on freaking cold Michigan evening, he was WARM. Leaning in to pierce me, the entire side of my body where he stood, got toasty. Seriously, I was cold and wanted nothing more that to curl into him. I can tell I’m slipping into erotic writer mode, so I’ll try to speed this up and get to actually prankery. BUT Rudis is lovely. I think he has some Native American heritage if the height of his cheekbones and the upward tilt of his almond shaped eyes tell me anything. His wide smile is always engaged and though he’s quiet, he carries himself with confidence and that innate quality which tells anyone who’s paying attention that this guy is a gentle man, a sweetheart behind the rugged boy exterior. I like this guy and imagine that anyone who calls him friend is lucky indeed. Besides, he's SUPER easy on the eyes and can I just say, yum?

So, the boys were bored and we had to wait 45 minutes for Bron’s metal to sterilize before he could poke it into her ear, barbell style. Dave dialed the offending number for the boy—Cory—and did the “Hello? Hello? Who’s this?” return call retaliation scene. He hung up and did this a few more times. Then Bentley, getting in on the fun, does the same thing from his own cell phone. And might I add, he also begins the texting.

By this time Cory is getting calls from two different parties, and texts from one, who demand to know who he is and then hang up. Bentley begins snickering, because all leather clad preppy boy badasses giggle and snicker like little girls, and he asks Rudis for his phone. Rudis, being all laid back and chill, hands it over and pulls out a cigarette (which he assures us HELPS his asthma. Yuh huh) and stands there with it, unlit.

Bentley, that sassy little boy, gets excited about the possibilities of prank dialing and decides to get elaborate. What follows is the best recollection I have—with the help of Bronwyn who is sitting right beside me.

Rudis (to Bentley): Dude. Texting is for girls.

Bronwyn who’s been texting too, holds up her phone and I think back to Bronwyn’s post, Riding in Cars with boys 3.5…and start chuckling, wondering if Bentley is going to go all dopey eyed for Twilight or if he's going to "man the fuck up".

Bentley: It’s not my phone and (something dings) wait, he’s answering…

Cody: What does he say?

Bentley laughing: Says he doesn’t know who I am and wants to know.

Dave takes Cody’s phone and dials Cory: Hello? Hello? Hello? Who is this? Who is this? Hello? Who is this? (hangs up)

Bentley and Cody laugh. Rudis grins. Dave butt pushes the front door open and laughs as he walks outside, leaving the other three to their fun. Don’t worry, he comes back periodically.

Cody (dialing): Hello? Hello?...Who is this? Who? This is Joey.

(Bentley claps a hand over his mouth and laughs. Cody holds up a finger to silence him. Bronwyn is howling. Mia is staring with wide eyes and a stupid grin).

Cody: Joey. Yeah, is Kevin there? Kevin. Kevin…Kevin James. This is Joey. (Hangs up)

The phone rings. It’s Cory and Cody answers it: Hello? Who is this? Hello? No, dude, this is Joey. Hello? Where’s Kevin? Kevin. He told me to call this number when I needed to get hold of him. Kevin. Yeah, Kevin James. I don’t know he just told me to call this number.

(the guy on the other end hangs up)

Bentley giggling, dials Cory: Hello? Hi. Is Joey there? This is Kevin. Joey. I’m trying to get hold of Joey.

(the guy hangs up)

Bentley and Cody are laughing in fits. So is Bronwyn. So am I.

Bentley: He says I have the wrong number.

Cody dialing Cory: Hello? Hello? Hello?...Who is this? Hello?...Is Kevin there?...(silence. He’s grinning so it sounds like Cory is freaking out on the other end. Cody’s eyes are dancing with glee.) Kevin. Kevin James. James. He gave me this number.

Dave walks back in. Rudis, laughing, leaves to light up. He’s shaking his head.

*and then it gets complicated, plus during this the sterilization is done and Bron goes back to get her barbell. I, of course, am now a twisted plot monkey addict and hold the door open to keep listening. As I relate back what is said, Bronwyn tears over with laughter and Rudis is struggling to keep a steady hand*

The guy calls Bentley, apparently telling him that he gave Cody/Joey the wrong number.

Bentley: I haven’t seen this guy in years. No, man. This is the number…I don’t believe you. Put Joey on the phone. Put him on. I want to talk to Joey.

The guy hangs up. Bentley gets a text asking him if this typed out number is the number he meant to give Joey. Bentley types back that this *insert number* is the one and wasn’t this the number he was calling? The guy answers no, he flipped a number. He should call the other number to see if he can find Joey at that number instead.

Rudis changes his voicemail and turns off his phone, just in case Cory decides to call it later and get some answers. Rudis realizes suddenly that Cory is the cousin of a friend of his and Cory will probably be hanging with the cuz later, whip out his phone and the jig will be up.

Cory calls Cody to tell him he has the wrong number.

Cody: This is the number he gave me. He told me to call him at this number.
The guy hangs up and calls Bentley.

Bentley: You talked to him? Did you tell him I’m trying to talk to him? No, he told me to call that number.

Bentley hangs up and snickers.

Bentley: He says he’s so fucking confused. He says he’s confused, man.

We’re all laughing like morons now. It’s so juvenile and completely way out of the realm of a simple prank call that it’s getting ridiculous. Plus, Bentley is inventive and keeps the thing going.

Bentley calls again: When you see Joey, tell him I have to see him. I don’t believe you. I need to talk to him. He has something of mine. No! No, I swear. Joey won’t answer my calls anymore and I don’t know where he is. Dude, just tell me where he is. Just tell me. Tell me! Fucking tell me where he is.

The guy hangs up. Cody dials him.

Cody: Hey this is Joey. Who is this? Hello? Hello? Hey, this is Joey. Did you talk to Kevin? Why doesn’t he just call me? No, man, he never answers my call. That’s why I’m dialing this number.

Again with the hang up.

Bentley calls: Hey this is Kevin. Can you do me a favor? Joey isn’t answering my calls. I mean, who the fuck meets someone, takes his boyfriend to Vermont, adopts a baby and gets married? They fucking just met. Fucking slut! No! They’re in Vermont (Bentley gets all weepy sounding on the phone). I just want my kid. He broke up with me and he has my kid. Will you call him and ask him where he has it (yes, he said “it”. Bronwyn, Rudis, and I are choking on laughter). I want my daughter back. Can you help me? Will you just call him? He’s not taking my calls. Just tell him to meet me at the place we first met.

Apparently Cory is a great kid and very kind because he does, indeed, call Cody/Joey.

Cody: Who is this? Yeah, this is Joey. No, he won’t answer my calls. First met? So he wants me to bring the kid to the back alley behind Rumors (he says, mentioning the local gay bar). Yeah, okay. I’ll be there in like three or four hours.

Cory calls Bentley back.

Bentley: Three or four hours? He’s in fucking Indiana? That goddamn slut!! We just broke up and he’s down in Indiana? Okay, okay, thanks, man. (Bentley exchanges the near sobbing hysteria in his voice for coy playfulness) Hey, really, thanks. Maybe if you’re ever up in like Grand Rapids, I can take you out to dinner sometime.

The dude, were are told, says: “Uh what? Yeah, okay, whatever.” And ditches the line.

O.M.G.

Piercing and a comedy. Now that’s service.

I’m so going back. I’m thinking right now that five piercings aren’t nearly enough. I think I’ll go have Rudis put in another three.

7 comments:

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

OMFG. I shoulda been there. I'm so sorry I missed this scene. While you were getting metal stuck into you, I could have been getting my tat! And laughing my ass off! Oooh, jazz hands!

Amber Skyze said...

LMAO you two had a fun time.

Mia Watts said...

A blast! In fact, I went back for three more the next day and ROYALLY Freuded. LOL.

Molly Daniels said...

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

So....what kind of piercing ya go, Mia? Are they all in the ears, or other places?

Chris said...

Heh - you should try to draw a picture of those conversations.

Mia Watts said...

Moll: Guess you'll have to come back here for the rest of the week to find out. :)

Chris: I don't think you'd like that. It would involve bats... *grin*

Bronwyn Green said...

Oh Mia, you little piercing junkie, you. (I know - like I have room to talk)That was such a blast. So whatcha gonna pierce next time you come up here? Huh? Huh?