Last night I had a dream that I was in the dark underbelly of some dank, musty building, sitting at an old wooden desk across from a gangster. He wasn't gangster in a sense I recognize from movies, but he was fierce and threatening. He had this strange cross-section that was menacing, military, wrestler, killer vibe going on and even though he sat on the other side of the desk, he was terrifying in his size and seething anger. Every once in a while flecks of spit would leave his mouth on a particularly violent maiming threat, and his canine teeth seems sharper, more jagged than the standard mouth. I remember one of his front teeth had been chipped and I remember fixating on it.
His equally menacing crew moved around in the background. I leaned into the desk and picked up a pair of fingernail clippers that had been lying there. Then as he talked about killing me slowly and ripping my guts out while I watched, I reached over and neatly clipped off his upper canine points until his teeth were level. Then I said, "Go like this so I can see the bottom ones."
He squared his mouth a little more, snarling more threats but showing his bottom teeth as he spoke. Then I clipped off the points of the bottom row too, until they were level. I put the clippers down and said, "Okay, you're all set." Then I leaned back in my chair and told him he could finish up.
He never blinked. I never freaked out. It was the weirdest thing and now I'm left with the image of leaning into the snarling maw of my fear's embodiment, while I carefully clip off all its sharp, jagged points. And I know what this is about.
Unbeknownst to many of you, I've been dealing with a lot of personal issues. There have been "gangsters of threat" nipping at me from almost every area of my life. They've hounded me, belittled me, threatened me, and though I've been dealing with all of them, I've also given many of those things more power than they deserve. I had forgotten, you see, that they don't control me. I control them.
While some of those things are people and events I cannot change, I can certainly take away some of the sting so that they are more manageable. I'm clipping off the jagged teeth of some of my threats. They're still there...sure they are...but if all they can do is hound me without their bite, I can lump them together with my other difficulties and tune them out. It's much more tolerable.
The dream was a relief. It came after making a huge decision which I had allowed to overwhelm me. I had put myself in the path of some challenges, but I'm going to remove myself from the battle just a little bit.
You all have seen the list on the right side of this page. It's ambitious, and for a working woman who wants to sleep and breathe a little, it's also stupid. I made a stupid error in judgement by committing myself to that many projects in so short of a time. Fortunately, the snarling hitman in this scenario is my conscience and that is a simple dealing. I work with some AMAZING publishers at Resplendence and they show the kind of concern for their authors which I haven't seen anywhere else.
They know some of my personal drama and because they want me sane, and they are caring humans, they are letting me slim down that list. What does that mean?
I will finish the faery stories this year on an adjusted release date schedule. Anything else from that list that I write, I'll take my time doing and submit it as they are available, instead of having them by the current release date listings. If I don't submit anything else at all, that's okay too, but they've given me the freedom to decide when and to whom I submit.
I can't tell you how much better I feel about that. My * stories (TEB) will release as planned also. Those won't change at all. Trust me, 6 stories a year is still an ambitious undertaking. But this one won't maim me.
To the readers, I hope you understand. The my fellow authors, I KNOW you understand. Thank you for your support.