I dream. A lot. I also almost always remember them. When I woke up this morning, I had two of them fresh on my mind.
Dream 1: Featured the entire female cast of Ally McBeal. The men were there too, but standing on the sidelines. Quite literally. I dreamed that Brynn Paulin, Bronwyn Green, and I went to water aerobics class as usual. This time the cast of Ally McBeal was there, and we weren't at all surprised. However, being somewhat new, I hadn't had this particular class before. The pool was really shallow in the shallow end, like one foot deep, and really deep in the deep end, with a steep declining drop. It was also narrow. If two people stretched out with their feet together, their heads would be over the edge of the pool.
Brynn and Bron got excited. Bronwyn was clapping her hands and did a little excited hop. Brynn, much more sedate, eagerly prepared her water weights and floatation belt. She'd told me that we were only in the shallow end today, so I eyed her oddly for taking out a floatation belt with barely a foot of water to work out in. I couldn't see how this was going to go. All I knew was that my best friends were thrilled.
I asked why and Bron's eyes widened with joy. She leaned near and whispered, "We get to do water sit-ups today".
Now, I can't imagine sit-ups being worthy of such enthusiasm, especially in splashy, shallow water, but Brynn nodded her head and said, "You'll see. Just make sure you hurry up and stay in the shallow end. Deep water sit-ups are way more complicated."
The instructor told everyone to get in the pool. The female cast of Ally McBeal got right in, and I watched Brynn and Bron assume the sit-up positions. Which meant alternating legs, so that they anchored each other at the ankle.
As the last one to fit in, Portia DeRossi hurried across from me. I discovered that the pool was even more narrow than I thought, and we had to really bend our knees to fit. Of course, it didn't help that Portia was hogging the pool. Perfect Portia plastered a smile on her face and began doing her sit-ups as the instructor called out.
I immediately discovered something very important about Portia DeRossi. She has nasty jaggedly long toe nails. And because she was hogging the pool and not really paying attention, she kept jabbing her jaggedly gross toenail between my cheeks!
I tried to ignore it because I didn't want to be rude (yeah, I know, but this is a dream people). However, the toenail was digging in and encroaching on some delicate anatomy. I feared I would soon be given a colonectomy by toenail. I told her to back off. She insisted she wasn't doing that with her toe. I told her she was and ow. Meanwhile, Brynn and Bron are gleefully doing sit-ups. And by gleefully, I do mean they were singing numbers from the sitcom Glee (which I don't watch), and slapping their hands together in pattycakes when they came together in the middle.
In my dream, I chalked it up to them being such long time best friends and because the instructor was keeping time for them.
Immediately following that dream, I went to the locker room, showered and dressed, but I'd forgotten my bra. I hate bralessness, but as I left the locker room, I discovered that there were only a tiny band of survivors left in the world and I was one of them. The women, of which there were now only three: me, Brynn, and my mother, had apparently decided to destroy all the bras in the world because there were none to be found. (and this is where I say, none of us remaining women are small chested. Imagine, if you will, the three of us running to action, poised for battle as our chests continue to sway. It totally messes up the tough bitch imagery I had going.)
In this dream, The Rock lead the male resistance league. My mother, my father, and I barely escaped the towering, giant metal spiders that were destroying all the buildings. Furthermore, they seemed to have a GPS type thing for human flesh. It didn't matter where you went, they knew about it!
Suddenly, we became aware that Brynn's boyscout troop was trying to get their Rock Badge and they didn't know about the giant spiders! OH NOES! So, mom, dad, and I told The Rock we'd be back to help, just as soon as we saved the boys.
The Rock wanted to know where they were, and I urgently informed him that Brynn and taken them up to the mountains because the boys had to throw all the loose rocks off the top as part of their badge requirements.
The Rock nodded solemnly, told me to hurry because the spiders were headed toward the mountains now!! I had to stay overnight in a melting igloo, but the next day, I raced up the mountain (boobs a-swinging) to find Brynn. At first they didn't believe me, but I reminded Brynn that she'd been helping me fight the giant spiders and she was like, "Oh yeah." And I was like, "How the f*ck can you forget giant metal human seeking spiders." And she was like, "I had to go on this camp out for the Boy Scouts, Mia. It's not like they'll find us here." And I was like, "But they totally will. They're on their way now!" And she said, "We have to eat our Mac and Cheese first. Then, if you still feel like we need to stop throwing rocks off this mountain *deep sigh* then we'll just have to finish this badge up later."
The scouts refused to be saved, opting to finish out their rock throwing. I jogged away (to the serenading laughter of young boys) bemoaning the death of bras.
So what do you think??? *blink* *blink*