Friday, February 11, 2011

Men and Bronwyn

I've known Bronwyn for about three years now. I think it might even be nearing on four. Anyone who knows her (and me, because I've mentioned this before), knows that she has a weird magnet stapled to her forehead.

That means that men/women/children who are totally bizarre will approach her and barf out their unconventional life stories. In all this time that I've known her, most of the things I've heard are through stories. I've rarely seen it in action. However!!! Last Wednesday, I got to witness it first hand.

Ha!!!

I have mentioned my little problem with ghosties. So, now that I live in Grand Rapids, I dragged Bron to a meeting of the local paranormal society. Of all the members, only two showed up...and then there was me and Bron. I swear one of the guys had been dropped on his sweet head repeatedly. The other was a crass, mean-spirited (pardon the pun), ADD bulletin board who would. not. quit. talking.

Turns out he knows Bron's, Mr. Green, and they reminisced. But not before Dropsy disclosed that he was a security guard in a porn theater. His stories!! OMG his stories!! His JOB is to break men up from "slapping their monkey" in the theater. Can you imagine this? He gets propositioned, asked to "whip it out while they jack off", and insists that every single man ends up in the gay porn movie theater.

Dropsy kept accidentally dropping double entendres. No, he didn't do it on purpose. The man seemed incapable of a deliberate pun. But he'd talk about the guy who wanted to see his junk and when asked what he said, told us, "I just meant to blow him off," to which we died laughing. At another point he said he had to "whip it out" when referring to one of the formal tools of his trade.

What did he say to the guy who offered him $10 to see his cock while the other guy jacked off? "I told him: Well, I could lose my job if I get caught." Not, "Hell no." Not, "Put it away and get lost." Not, "Are you insane? You're breaking the law." Nope. The first thing he thought of was the consequence...as though he would otherwise consider the offer!! LOL, Dropsy.

In other news (and speaking of monkies). I'm still on the dating scene and I came across this!! Kudos for the honesty bud.

Well I have big balls....bigger than most. I shave from my neck to my knees. I have no piercings, no tattoos, but don't mind if you do. Don't eat meat with bones and skin. Like to slap the monkey once in awhile. If I can't fit you through my car door, please ignore me. Live on a shoestring budget, but owe nothing. I own my own house free and clear. Drive a 1994 jeep Cherokee with the floor boards rotted out. I like John Mayer, Jack Johnson, Michael Buble, and similar artists. I watch porn daily. Don't really have no goals, not materialistic and don't take life too serious. Couple of older rugrats. Like to kick Sponge-bob square pants right in his foam nuggets. Love asspirations. My weener bends slightly to the right and I fidgit with my balls alot. Used to workout but the weights became too heavy so I took up knitting. Can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue and I have a 3rd nipple. I get mad at watching sports and chuck beer bottles at the T.V..... Favorite movie is Badder Santa. Got hit by a car once. Only 9 of my fingers work. Once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. I like to pee on you when we are in the shower. Slept in my own puke once. Have saved almost every card sent to me since I was a kid. Weighed 9lbs 2oz. at birth and now my mother walks funny. Don't do well with hangovers. Have never left the state of Michigan since I was 5. Don't have cable or the dishy thing cause I find TV boring...unless it's sports. If I was a girl...I wouldn't take Philobido to meet my mother....he may want her too, when I was younger, I used to count the zits on my ass, and I have bad gas... the pictures I have posted are truly me...not some fictional character...don't message me cause you think I'm...cute, handsome, sexy, or what ever..I've heard it all before... I just found out that I also have bad grammar....but if I have made you laugh and you have a VALID picture to prove who you are...I will run it through Target 8 investigations to check it out...And if you are here to just see how many messages you can get...your ugly and your momma dresses you funny...Well if I can think of some more things to write about me, I will, stay tuned.....07-20-2010...well after reading this over and over...I'm begining to think I"ll prolly scare 50% of you away...but I do get alot of "your profile made me laugh"....

8 comments:

Amber Skyze said...

OMFG! How do you find these ads? He must really want to attract women.

I want to come to Grand Rapids and hang out with you and Bron. :)

Mia Watts said...

You need to come down here!! For sure! Vacation??

I cracked a laugh that scared my cat when I read this ad. No, I didn't answer it, but I actually do appreciate the honesty. :)

Rassles said...

Even though sure, it's funny...he sounds awful. Hasn't left Michigan? Badder Santa? AN ELLIPSES IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR A PERIOD. My OCD is acting up.

Chris said...

I'm actually sort of afeared to visit you and Bron...

And the guy who wrote that ad really needs to learn what too much sharing means...

Bronwyn Green said...

C'mon Chris - you know you want too! You're dying to know what it's like in the eye of the weirdo magnet storm. (Besides - we have kitties to visit.)

Amber, you should come, too. We'd have a great time. Mia can go have coffee with this guy and we can all sit and watch. ;)

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