******sigh******

I have to share something totally hilarious. I'm changing the names to protect the wicked, but zOMG! I had such fun yesterday and have to, have to share.

You all know I moved to Michigan from Fort Worth recently. You also know that I've come out of a divorce and that I'm on the dating scene again. You also know that I reaaaaally love to cruise Craig's List when I'm bored or procrastinating. Well, I was cruising yesterday and came across this post:

Once Upon a Time.... - 32 (Specifically, at my desk, in my office)

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Date: 2010-12-16, 3:28PM EST

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....the winds of fate buffeted our handsome hero into a state of bewildered amusement. In the land of Web the province of Craig's and the city of List, our hero sought a particular type of mate, friend, relationship and experience and yet continuously fell short of finding it. After all, the competitive offers were, in fact, charming, intriguing and very, very compelling. You know the ones...."I'm Horny," "Complete Me," "I'm Bored and Lonely," etc etc. How ever would our hero compete with the other residents of "List" for the hand of the fair maiden? How indeed?

For our hero offered only a humble sense of charm, humor, generosity, and creativity wrapped in a handsome package that stood a bit under six feet tall. Well-groomed, well-dressed and well-educated, our hero stood no chance. Again and again the spoils went to the bored, the lonely, the searching, even the erect. Our hero had nothing.

Or did he? With one last hope, a touch of a prayer, and some left over Pixy dust hero made one last attempt at finding the beautiful maiden.

What he did was.........(care to know?)

Now... I tell you, how can a person resist this? OMG! Hilarious! So, I answered it because I wanted to see if he was actually this clever and plus Bronwyn pointed out that some guys "shoot their wad" of cleverness in one fell swoop and maybe he had nothing left. She told me that later, but it works for my rationalization so I'm going with it.

My answer:
Re: In the city of List

Once upon a time...a maid peered into her oracle square, seeking diversion, hoping to locate amusement in its various forms. When behold her eyes lit upon the tale of a handsome hero, confined to his desk and despairing of finding peace within the realm. But alas, his story rolled along her tongue and tickled her ears with pleasure to have found such as he, a man with a quest and a wit to rival all others in the city of List.

Could it be that there was another as intelligent? For the maid was certain she'd not seen another. And here she ponders, eyes locked to the glowing box, is he real or simply a curious passerby who wanders endlessly through the Craig...

He said:
Re: Under the Oracle Square
Being viewed through a glowing box evokes quite a mix of emotions in the heart of most mortals. Our hero, no stranger to the limits of mortality, complies with this normalcy.

"Right here, right here," he exclaims, waving his hands vigorously while hoping up and down as if his britches were on fire.

You see, finding such a peering, albeit a bit voyeuristic, maiden in this maddening city of List, sparked the ignition of our hero's excitement. How rare, one so witty, creative, and intelligent. One who plays well, plays nicely with others, and yet has that certain glow, or twinkle, in her eye.

Could it be she?

"Over here, over here, come down to me"

~John

I said:
The maid, for she is not a maiden longer, did spy the handsome hero in his glory. His dance brought forth her smile and caused laughter to escape her lips. She wondered, did he see her in return? Could he view her through the oracle box? Forsooth! Gazing upon her dost make her blush easily and often. The maid, you see, has a quiet way but what lies beneath still waters is oft described as irreverent humor and easy countenance.

Still, she has been warned that she should be wary of those found in List, for one might find one's mammal companion thusly, but rare is the maid who finds her worthy mate. However, fortune doth shine on her, for she does not seek a mate, merely one with which to pass time, whether to gaze upon in truth or continue their story through the box of light. Is the hero thus inclined? She doesn't know! What wishes doest the hero hold? What bounty does he hope to discover? And for certain, does the maid resemble those dreams of our wandering hero? For the maid knows, as wise is her way on such things, that heroes hold certain values to be true to their hearts and the maid doth respect them.

John, his name is John, and thus the hero is given substance as words upon her tongue. I see thee John. What say you?

He answered:

"Doest thou delight in my glory, lovely maid?" To see, yes, but to be seen, all the more glorious. To be delighted in, yes, that bespeaks the pinnacle of experience. Could it be? Is this, is this, "Ally," I see through the prism? Vaguely, but perhaps it is. Or, is it another. One other in the city of List has spoken with such grace, elegance and deft. But she was a princess. Who is this I see? Who is this I see, whom I long to know in truth, whose presence must invade my senses and very spirit. Whose bright smile and ample bosom satisfy always. She is no companion of fools, this maid, and her presence must be earned, it does not come as the result of frivolity. Our hero knows not what will become of his intercourse with such an enchantress, only that he delights for both the now and the more. It is a delight the beckons, but only one step forward, the full pathway remains dim. "Your proper name, my Lady?"

I said:

Mia. Tis not Ally, for that is the name of another. I have several names, for it is my privilege to scribe for makers of books. Mia is the name of the maid and she yet unfamiliar with the city of List in the realm known as Gee Arr. She's come from far off where only recently she's settled upon this land. Why comes she? To start anew, afresh, and other a-starting words. The maid is six and twenty, though does not appear such. Frequent is the time she is mistaken for one much younger, though she is proud of her years and not keen on hiding them when asked. Mia of long black hair and blue eyes. Mia of five feet and half a foot again, is she.

Ample bosom cries, the hero John. Yes, answers she. Though bosoms remain covered yet not ignored.

And so Mia asks fair John. "Yo, whacha do fer a livin'?" or should he not speak this language but another?

He said:
Hello fair Mia from afar. Welcome to the city List within the realm know as Gee Arr. For a long time now we have needed scribes in our land, and so your afresh, anew, awake, alive, albeit not awkward resettlement improves the value of our land greatly. No more so then in the city of List, so deficient of scribes is she.

Dear Mia, of five foot and a half again, of the hair of a raven and eyes like the ocean, from whence have you come? Do know, too, that even in heels your top shall not exceed mine, for a five feet and ten ought inches, unless you adopt clear heels of seven inches we shall be a splendid pair, your oceans of blue well below my own.

Hark, the bosoms doth cry again. This hero doth love the cry of ample bosoms, yet covered they are. Bravo bosoms, bravo!

To answer your shrewd inquiry, I offer only that I eat, drink, breath, sleep, bath and procreate. This things serve to keep me alive and well. Do you do any different?

But, perhaps this foreign language the beautiful Mia uses carries another connotation? Perhaps she means whatever do the peasants pay the hero for? Why, if that be the case, then the provide contribution for my training their physical bodies and nutritional needs to prosper. At times they also pay me to rub their bodies as a relieve from the aches and pains of the day. Afterall, I have obtained the degree of "Master," concerning things within the sphere of knowledge known as "exercise physiology."

Let me try the dialect, a sort of mix between Kentucky southern, Canadian and L.A. based Ebonics, "Yo, foSho, I been down dis road b4. U maid known fosizzle the handsome herizzle and dis emailizzle is for rizzle."

Did you smile?

He added another email:

It is worth noting...I am very impressed with you:)

I replied, sent him a picture. He sent me two in return. OMG! Not only is he a completely buff man, but he's CUTE. And he wants to meet me for coffee. Bronwyn is helping me figure out what to wear. And no, it's not going to be the skirt that likes to flash my ass all over town.

...it's freakin' winter here, after all. Icicle ass is not pretty. It's bad enough that I act like a complete moron in front of attractive men. This meeting probably wind up as a comic. I'm just sayin'.