Friday, September 10, 2010

21 Uses for a Vibrator

I was gonna say 22, but I figured that was just overkill. So some of you may remember the week I spent with the family where my passive aggressive mother located my box of toys, turned on the vibrator and let it pound the inside corner of the box all day, in the top of my bathroom closet.

As a result, I decided I needed to come up with a list of uses for vibrators, just in case this kind of thing happens again. Amazingly, my mother pretends not to remember doing more than "swishing her hand in the box while looking for sunscreen". We will ignore the fact that the vibrator she "swished" requires a series of three different commands to do exactly all the fancy tricks it was doing. "Swished" my ass!

Okay...on to the uses.

1. A high powered nose picker. It rotates, it spins both directions, it pumps. There's nothing better to get out those pesky dried-ins from winter weather.

2. The light up feature makes for a fun round of night tag.

4. When I feel like I've been banging my head against a hard wall, I just look at the little hummingbird attachment beating its brains out on a long purple cock and I instantly feel superior.

5. When you've been kidnapped or locked in a dark room, its rhythmic thumping is a life saver! Automated Morse code!

6. Your little sister spent the night and you want to get her back for all those childhood pranks? Turn it on and throw it under the covers while she's asleep! The grinding crawl is sure to freak her out. "It's alive! It's aliiii-iive!"

7. Are the holidays coming up? "Screw" the apple. Give your tike's teacher a gift she'll never forget and watch the "A"s spill onto the report card.

8. Turn it on and watch the giant head rotate...home made hypnosis for that pesky smoking habit.

9. Carpal Tunnel interfering with the dish duties? No problem! Put a brillo pad on the end and voila!

10. Awesome surprise gift when turned on and placed under the candy in the Halloween candy bowl. Impress your neighbors every time!

11. Roto Rooter never need be called again.

12. When having an argument, there is nothing more attention grabbing than using a giant cock instead of your pointer finger (note, this also makes for impressive group presentations at work).

13. Not a member of "The Boy's Club"? They won't let you use the men's restroom at a ballpark because you don't have a dick? Whip it out! Argument closed.

14. Does your back itch? Slap that puppy over your shoulder and let it work some magic.

15. The next time someone tells you to go fuck yourself, you can discuss size, length, duration, technique, operative procedures, location to acquire and desired outcomes for their information. It's a community service you are providing to educate the ignorant.

16. Unbeatable foot massager.

17. Stand it upright, encircle it with day-glow cock rings and have yourself a very festive, kinky Christmas.

18. Cock block with a real cock.

19. Next time your guy slaps you in the face with his, you can show him WHY you don't like it, by returning the favor. This also works for educating him when he doesn't understand why you can't swallow any more of his length. Demonstrate on him. He'll never argue again.

20. Don't have Jarts (yard darts aimed at a hula hoop on the lawn as a target), use the softer, kid friendly "Parts" (penis dart)! You won't poke your eye out with this bad boy.

21. In a pinch, burning rubber makes black smoke. A dildo in the woods is worth two in your bush (*snortle*).

... you didn't think I could do it, didja? Oh ye of little faith.

11 comments:

Brynn Paulin said...

Wow, what a list, lol!
On #19, if some guy slapped my face with his dick, it wouldn't be my vibrator that I slapped his face with. And it wouldn't be a slap. Just saying.

Amber Skyze said...

LMAO! I was thinking the same thing as Brynn.

Mia Watts said...

LOL. Evidence that I'm watching too much porn. But just think of the MARK those beaded mechanisms inside can leave! Might be worth it.

Bronwyn Green said...

So funny - I thought the same thing as Brynn and Amber.

Also, strongly considering # 11 - my damn sink has bee backed up for days.

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Remember that scene from the movie, Parenthood? That's you!

Destiny Blaine said...

I can't stop laughing! Number 18 is the best of the bunch! ;)) ROFL.

Destiny

Jennifer Madden said...

OMG!!! You crack me up so bad! I love #17. That's one of those things you set up in the office anonymously, then laugh your ass off as you watch people try NOT to be intrigued.

Mia Watts said...

What's REALLY sad, is I actually had to limit myself to 21. LOL.

Parenthood? I think I saw it but I can't be sure. Do they have a "uses" thing for dildos?

Mia Watts said...

I love seeing which ones you like best. For me, 21 had me snortling for a while. I got looks. ;)

Chris said...

LOL - thinking the same thing as the crowd apparently on #19. :)

anny cook said...

Whereas I was thinking of inserting it an entirely different place...for when he tries to convince you how "wonderful" that position is...