Thursday, July 22, 2010

Wearing it with pride

Two things happened recently that mark me as an exhibitionist. If you know me online, you're thinking, "Duh." If you know me in real life, you're cringing with me. I was going to do comics on this, but couldn't get my limited artistic talent to convey the full scope of *grrooooaaannnn*.

Incident One: I went to a business presentation a week ago. It was a big deal with a super important guy I work with, someone I recently signed on to work with, and someone she knows that is killing the real estate market and might join my team. It was important that I make a great impression and seeing as how I've been feeling a little schlumpy, I decided all new underwear were in order. I wanted to feel sexy and confident underneath the usual work clothes and besides, my underwear have a tendency to fall off without warning. Twice in the last year is more of a chance than I care to take.

So I bought all new sexy underthings that match. They push up some parts, offering breasts out on well seamed platters of lace and frills, while the lower half of me is encased in see-through mesh, g-strings, lace, and artistically colored silks. For this meeting I chose the pale blue and white french combo of lifting balcony demi for the top and a g-string see through matching bottom half. I paired it with a low cut black blouse under a red bolero, and a short, flirty black skirt. Trust me, it was workin'.

I parked my car and walked the block and a half to the restaurant. As I reached the corner of "Main" and 2nd downtown to the lunch rush traffic, I took a call on my cell and waved to one of the guys I was supposed to meet, through the restaurant window. Just then, the wind kicked up, lifting my skirt and flashing ALL of downtown. Pale blue, SEE-THROUGH g-string, ass hanging out on full display.

I managed to get my skirt under control (read: death grip of mortification), headed for the saved table and greeted my party. My chair faced the restaurant and with the recent horror of g-string angst so fresh, I was relieved to sit with my back to the wall of windows. Then I wouldn't have to gaze upon the thoroughfare of my humiliation. But alas, modesty was not to be!

Why, no, of course not. Instead, I smoothed my skirt down over my ass to sit, bending at the waist. That's when I discovered that my short black skirt didn't cover my ass when I bend. Guessing from the ruckus outside the window and the fact that once again, my ass was reflected off the plate glass to the other lunchers in the restaurant, I gave an encore showing! My guest choked on her tea. Someone outside ran his bike off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic, and the cute guy across the room I'd been eye flirting with turned red and kept his face averted the rest of the time I was there.

I was horrified. Humiliated. Done with the day. But being the professional, I soldiered on. Yes, that's what Mias do. I ignored it all, finished lunch, convinced the guest that we actually are an organized team of individuals, and left the restaurant for my car with my fists clenched into my skirt. No way in hell was it happening again.

Right?

*sigh*

Never say never. I reached the parking platform by way of stairs, pleased to see I'd made it that far without incident. As I stepped from the enclosed stairwell to the parking level, I missed an immediate step right outside the door. Down I went, knee to the pavement, ass in the air. To add insult to scraped up injury, the wind flipped up the back of my skirt (not difficult as my ass was already in the air and we've established that the skirt wouldn't have covered it anyway) and I treated the entire parking area to my full moon rising.

Three times is the charm. And charming is apparently my middle name.

Thank God I no longer work downtown! I scampered quickly to my car and drove off.

The second incident (yes, there's another):
I flew back from California on Monday. It was a long trip. I knew it would be as the trip over took several stops from point A to point B. I decided that this time I'd be comfortable. I grabbed my slip on sandals for easy checkpoint removal, my soft jeans rolled up to expose some leg, and a very comfortable cotton hoodie. It was short sleeved and decorative, cute, not sexy. I don't always go for the groin you see.

I did opt to wear another sexy under thing because why not? Comfortable shouldn't mean you sacrifice your personal, secret confidence builders.

I thought my confidence builder must have been showing in the shine of my eyes or the brightness of my smile as I met plane load after plane load of people. They looked at me. They smiled as they filed past.

I was on fire!!!

Men looked a lot longer. A lesbian sat next to me and devoted her entire in flight attention to me (which is flattering if not pointless) and a married man on another flight (and he was HAWT) got really comfortable with leaning into me and looking like he wanted to plant one on me. I wouldn't have entertained it in case you're wondering. I don't think of myself as pretty or attractive, but this day was kind of amazing. I'd never seen anything like it and I thought maybe Julia's assertion that I was beautiful might actually be believed.

I got off the last flight, picked up my suitcase and rolled it toward the long term parking lot. The elevator closed on me to take me to the floor where I'd parked and as the mirrored doors reflected back, I suddenly understood.

The zipper on my hoodie had slid nearly to the middle of my torso...fully displaying my lifted, laced, demi-ed cleavage in DD proportions.

And this is where it hit me... my wardrobe is out to destroy my life. Please. Feel free to share your embarrassing woes in the comments area. I should like to know I'm not alone.

18 comments:

Amber Skyze said...

OMG OMG OMG I didn't think I'd stop laughing long enough to comment.
Sorry I know it wasn't funny when it was happening, but shit....

I did have one incident. Not as big as yours mind you. I got out of my car in a parking lot when I worked downtown and a guy pulled up beside me all smiling. I was recently separated and thought Hmm, not so bad.
He rolls down his window and says your skirt is wide open in the back. Me and my g-string putting on a little show.
I thanked him and he sped off.

Luckily I was in the process of moving and had a ton of clothes in my car. I quickly changed in the back seat. Come to think of it, I hope no one saw me doing that.

Oh and no offering of a date either. :)

Chris said...

Wow, when you do embarrassment, you do it with STYLE (albeit not grace)!

I'm sticking with my jeans and t-shirt (no zippers) wardrobe, thankyouverymuch.

Sandy Jay said...

OMG! Is this really your life? *laughing hysterically* I have nothing that comes even remotely close to that....nor do I even want it. *more hysterical laughter*

OMG!

Mia Watts said...

Sandy, you do absolutely nothing for my self-esteem. Geeeeeez! LOL.

I didn't even blog about my repeat appt with Dr. Sexypants yesterday. *eye roll* where I actually said... oh wait, I'd better save that for later. I was SO found out.

And I have to go see him again on Monday. Sometimes I look at this stuff and laugh. This, yes, is my life. Now you understand why Bronwyn and I get along so well. She's the only other person I know whose experiences rival mine.

Bronwyn Green said...

O
M
G

LOLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I'm so sorry, Mia, but that's HILARIOUS!!!!!!

Mia Watts said...

*sigh*

I know it's bad when even Bronwyn is speechless.

Amber did a pretty good show though. I think she was robbed. Should definitely have gotten a date out of it. LOL.

Molly Daniels said...

OMFG......

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

See, you fall and expose your lovely ass, I fall flat on my face and save the Chinese food! Because I NEVER wear a dress! And I HAVE NO cleavage to bare! Let that be a lesson! Wear jeans, zip up your cute hoodie and above all, save the Chinese food!
I have no such stories of exposure to tell...me so sad...

Molly Daniels said...

The only one I have was the morning I took the kids to school while wearing my nightshirt and a pair of shorts. I had to stop for gas and noticed the men seemed to be particularly nice...until I got home and realized there was a hole in the front and my left nipple was being 'friendly'.

Mia Watts said...

Molly!!! That's AWESOME! I have yet to flash nipple-age. LOLOL!!

Julia, You have an awesome ass... I only know because I had to follow it up the giant mountains we hiked. LOL. And Chinese food is always worth saving.

Cindy Spencer Pape said...

Ah, Mia! You're an inspiration!

Susilien said...

Mia,

I won't even go into how many times I flashed before the last few years. It never fails, something always goes wrong when you wear underwear worth looking at, but after 10 years of clothing problems I gave up. I proudly wear granny panties. They are all kinds of colors, but no more see through, thongs or bows for me! Bras on the other hand, well I just can't stand plain white very often.

Susie

jrpatrick said...

ROFLMAO!!

Mia!! Only you. I swear.

Kris Norris said...

I would comment about my embarass-ing... emphasis on ass... if anything else on earth could compare. But, alas, I bow down to the queen of flash...

Oh, and I prefer pants as well, as I'm... shall we say... a commando kind of girl... and I doubt anyone wants to see my bare ass hanging out.

thanks for the laugh. I just spit my pop all over my laptop.

Mia Watts said...

jrpatrick... I know. It's sad, right? LOL.

VAwitch_myrrhibis said...

As soon as I saw your comment on C's grouplist, I was like "oh no - not droopy drawers again"

ROFLMAO!!!

Oh my - I was crying at my desk by the end of #1... by number two, my lunch-ful stomach was hurting.

Thank you for a lovely Monday pick-me-up :)

And yes - women's clothes & shoes are out to kill & embarass us ^_^

Cinderella said...

Good Lordy Woman...I had to get up from the computer go get paper towels and mop the floor. You dear heart are a one of a kind and I an so happy I know you.

An embarrassing moment...I was 16 just had my jaws broken in half and wired shut and not so smart playing basketball ran into a guy that had braces also not sure how but got stuck had to go to hospital because of my wired jaws. LOL Cynthia

Jennifer Madden said...

You crack me up! I love reading your misfortunes, sorry. I guess I'm just glad it's not me.